You're Un-invited: 4 Steps to Take When Your Plans Have Changed
If you had asked me a year and a half ago if there were ever any circumstance where you could un-invite guests to your wedding, I would have replied with a firm “absolutely not.” Fast forward to a solid year of life in the midst of a pandemic, and oh how times have changed. Not only is it now a common practice, it is also the right thing to do in most circumstances. That knowledge may help ease the sting when you’re making tough decisions regarding who gets to stay on your list, and who has to go.
While I don’t consider myself an etiquette expert, I do know a thing or two about protocols and how to handle sticky situations. And, in my humble opinion, key to handling something that feels uncomfortable should always be communication, kindness and compassion.
Making the Tough Decision
If it looks like you’re going to have to cut your guest list down to remain in compliance with mandates surrounding health and safety during the COVID19 Pandemic, the first thing to do is familiarize yourself with current rules. Work with your venue and vendors to be sure you’ll remain in compliance. The last thing you want is mid-ceremony shutdown due to non-compliance. Be sure to ascertain if the guest count given to you includes vendors, or if vendors are outside of that count. That’s an important detail that’s easy to overlook. Find out if any other mandates such as proof of a negative test, or as we move forward, proof of vaccination will be required.
Once you know how many people are allowed, review your list and set aside the names of guests who MUST be there: Mom and Dad, Grandparents, wedding party, etc. Next, do what I call a “gut-check” cut. By that, I mean go through your list and make cuts that feel natural: Your college roommate that now lives abroad, the second cousin that is expecting a child and has already said she’s not likely to attend, your former colleague that you haven’t heard from in a few years. Those are guests that won’t be surprised by not being included in your final count. Note that It may take several rounds of whittling down your list to get to your approved count, which is not at all unusual. Be kind to yourself - you’re doing something hard, and often, filled with emotion.
Notifying Your Guests
Once you have your list, reach out to those that didn’t make the final list. Personally, I would make a phone call, but an email may suffice in some instances. If you plan to notify your guests in via email or written note, there are plenty of options for digital or paper announcements that run the gamut from formal to casual and fun.
Remember that you’re delivering what feels like not great news, but keep in mind that you’re also delivering happy news: you’ll soon be married! If you experience push-back from anyone, gently remind them that this was a very difficult decision for you, and that if you could have more than X number of guests, you would happily have them there. There may be questions such as why (you can always fall back on public health mandates or venue restrictions), but remember that it’s not your fault. It’s no ones fault, it literally is one of those “it is what it is” situations. You may also get questions as to whether you’ll be streaming or recording to send a link to watch post-ceremony, so I would plan to have those decisions made prior to making any calls.
Making Accommodations for Those Not Attending in Person
If you do plan to have a live-stream or record your ceremony, having those details to share when you deliver the news will be helpful in easing any hurt feelings. Pro Tip: Before committing to a live-stream situation, be sure to check that wi-fi or a hardline cable is available and provides enough bandwidth to handle streaming. Go and test it, or better yet, hire an audio-visual company to do the work for you - they’ll know what they’re doing, and they’ll be able to plug into the sound system so that your guests can see AND hear what’s happening. Hiring a pro will save you so much time and possible heartache.
Following the call, then I would then email your guests with log-on instructions and time so they have that information handy when the big day arrives. Consider sending a “what to expect” note as well as perhaps planning something interactive so your virtual guests feel like they are part of the celebration. Things such as a fun dress code, or asking online guests to have a beverage ready to toast with at the end of the ceremony. These small touches are easy to plan, and go a long way towards a positive guest experience. Also, include the more mundane but necessary instructions such as a gentle reminder to mute their sound, or simple instructions if you’re using a streaming platform that guests may not be familiar with.
Enjoy Your Wedding!
No matter what format your celebration entails, it is still a joyous occasion! Yes, you may have to make tough decisions when it comes to your guest count, but the number of guests at your wedding should in no way diminish your happiness. Plan to interact with your virtual guests - taking a couple of minutes post-ceremony to approach the camera and say hello is a sweet way to thank your guests for celebrating with you, no matter their physical location. I always tell my couples that their guests will follow their lead, so if you’re happy and having fun, your guests will do the same, and that’s what makes a celebration.